Grrrrr!!!! False Security

So.. Yesterday, I was eerily killing on the progress tests.
Today, when I take the practice exam... 60%.

It's going to get a little nasty.


SOOOO FRUSTRATED!!!

But i guess it's better now than at 10pm tonight.

Cram time!

Crunchtime... 17 days later.

So.. a post that wasn't eons ago.

This is a success.

Quick Update: 2 days left until my big exams.
I journeyed down the normal pathway of intensity in the beginning (week 1),
then recooping from my extensive studying and intensity (week 2),
followed by the realization that this actually will happen and I will have lost out on the following, if I didn't get my a$$ in gear:
- income (5 weeks)
- life (bc I'll have to keep studying)
- exercise
- the ability to look myself in the mirror*

* this one being the most important.

So here we are, Halloween is quick approaching and I've eaten 1/2 stick of cookie dough in TODAY alone and I've scored well on my practice tests. It's scarring me how well I am doing and at the other point, I don't feel as if I am ready.
I guess forcing myself to take practice tests and review flash card is the only way I will survive.

I am continuing to minimize outside influence which is good, because the less junk in my head means the better I will be able to cram this other knowledge in it.

On a random tangent that will make more sense once I am done...
Not working is causing me to LOSE my mind.
I like working due to the order/structure and implied notion that I will be on top of my $#!%.
So far I have numerous examples of my inability to maintain one coherent thought as well as be on top of the things I need to be.

Anyways, I am going to do some more flash cards to remember some more things. :)

day three... 1 year 143 days later. :/

So.. I am beginning to see a pattern emerge with the time lapse in between each post.

But, life is too short or too busy to fit in a well versed thought out post ever day or few months. No regrets. Now I have a little time.

Update on the boy:
Funny story really.
All those inhibitions and fears segued into the most awesome relationship I've ever been in.

Update on my journey as a professional:
Inability to close the deal and/or finish what I started.

Been working my buns off since I came back from a study sabbatical in Jan 2011.
With that, I came back having a score of 2-2 in the pass-fail ratio of my certification.

Add a dash of new experiencing as a supervisor on two projects and a team member on a failing project, cause little time for study or fun really.

Then a contingent promotion on the fact of passing the additional 2 parts.
Promotion that I worked my buns off to get, and then a miracle!

I passed one of the two, with only one part remaining.
If I passed, promoted, life continued as planned, just a small hiccup on my goals and determination. I dare not think about what would happen if I failed.

In early July, I took the test after a week solid of preparing... then summer emerged. An amazing feeling of relief to be free of studying, only work (of which could take 10-14 hours of my day)remained. I began to fill my weekends with trips or work and I felt alive again.

Then in late August, it began to dawn on me that it might not happen, this is of course after my peers had begun to celebrate and relish in their new found promotion.
So... I began the inevitable plans of a new path forging out of my despair.
I asked around and eventually engaged a career counselor to help me navigate myself to my true career.

In my despair, I had planned a variety of trips to fill my September as I waited for results of the exams.
Then after a vacation and before a visit from my cousin, my heart broke.

Results had come in and I had not made the grade.
I rallied up and pushed all negative and disparaging thoughts aside, I had a lot of work to finish prior to my cousin's visit and a variety of festivities that I had planned.

My cousin's visit came and passed and I truly enjoyed myself, then misery came back again. After a day or so of brooding, the time came to face the facts.

I did not do what I needed to pass and luck, a crucial ingredient, was not on my side.

The hardest part is that I couldn't leave my current job with my head held high.
I missed promotion, disappointed my friends, supporters and family and most of all, I disappointed myself. I tried every excuse or reason to blame for why it happened.

At the end of the day, I could blame no one but myself.
Things I did realize:
- That I need pure work like dedication
- Variety of study materials
- Rewards
- Take the pressure off of myself and just put in the time, make a solid plan and do what I need to do.
- Minimal social interaction.

After a week or so of more brooding, thinking I'd be fired and managing 2 jobs at work, I talked to my support system (mom, bf, roomies, anyone really that would listen) and I decided the following:
1. I want to keep working here for a variety of reasons (community, closure, other c-words etc).
2. put off career moves until I've finished the job
3. try to take a break from work to focus full time.

One week later, here I am. Studying full time.

My exam is in 19 days and I've cleared my calendar until I take it.

Now that I am on my own and my own worst enemy, I've decided to break down my plans on here, it might get boring....

But I am ok with it.

Day Two.. a month and half later.

Hello Again.

It's been around 2 months which is indicative of how my life (of lack thereof) has been going. Granted things have in a sense heated up. Get ready for lots of clichés.

I am faced with a dilemma that I have tried pushing off for a while, out of fear, annoyance or a misguided catholic upbringing.

I am currently embarking on a relationship.

Which scares the $#*& out of me. Not only does the possibility of allowing someone to get close me emotionally freak me out… but the physical part scares me too. I am overly cautious and a planner, yet. I am ready to get continuously physical (as Olivia who had a slight comeback on Glee a few weeks back said, "Let's get Physical") with someone.

Now the mildly conservative side of me comes front and center, how am I going to enjoy the most pleasure without the possibility of getting pregnant? I can barely keep my plants alive, there is no way I want a baby and honestly, I don't really want a baby with the guy I am seeing…. which brings on a veranda of other issues.

As I am the following:
-lazy
-forgetful
-busy
-a novice
I am going to attempt to start birth control and continuous use of condoms… I would like to double up without losing the end result.
The next dilemma I face is… how do I obtain birth control as I don't really have a doctor and I am lazy and busy.

Ah… problem solved. I can clearly remember protestors every morning on a corner showing pornographic guttural images outside of building. Amid my instant urges to honk, flip off and shout "Grow a Vagina" to the predominately male protestors, I remember that building is planned (or plan to avoid) parenthood is located.
I've done the necessary research and figured out a strategy… just because I really am that immature and secretive, that I really don’t want anyone to know that I am going there. I am going to call first thing, set up an appointment and get going on
this preventive game plan.

The other issue. The boy. So... now I have some pros and cons to duke out.

Item one: Defining what it is I am doing
Ok. What do we do together.
F*%$. Watch Television.
F-buddies. I think.

Item two: Defining what I actually want
No commitment. Something fun to do.

Item three: the Conclusion
Stay on course (feeling like a skipper). No need to divulge any further thoughts or effort.

If things go in a different direction, then re-assess.

Foreshadowing through the looking glass … I think he may want more.

Rough seas approaching.

Day One

As this is the first day of the rest of my blogging life. Cheers. (I am not sure if I like when people say that or not I feel like an imposter on the royal court). Cheers. Hello.

Here's a short introduction (as to preserve my identity for now, I shall keep it in the first person).

I am woman (weird saying that, but at 23, I am clearly no longer a girl)
who lives in the thriving Silicon Valley of California (as explained to me recently, there are supposedly flying cars that are driven here, haven't seen them, but I am on the lookout).

I graduated from a liberal school (as most universities are) and after one short summer of freedom was lured into the corporate work world (of the most conservative type). While at most times stressed out, I try to make the most of it as I find my way after fulfilling my obligations to my parents. Well it has been 1 year 7 months or so my linked in profile says so (another gimmick to help "launch" your career, in all honesty, I am not sure who has time to read and update these things besides the unemployed, then again, I am adding "blogging" to my repertoire).

SO.. the purpose aka the mission statement or the reason for the season (wait, I think that's Jesus, let's not cut into that slice of pie).

Wow, I lied and it's only first day, now jumping into third person…

Moni's Mode of Operation: A creative space to analyze observations and release emotions/creativity/energy for life and maybe, if she get's brave enough to release her findings on the world and get feedback.

Please note: I have found that people especially women's emotions/feeling/thoughts can change from one day to the next or hour or minutes. Anything said on the current or future posts are meant to entertain thoughts and ideas and not to become incriminating or hurtful.

Welcome. Enjoy the mundane-ness of it all.