Grrrrr!!!! False Security

So.. Yesterday, I was eerily killing on the progress tests.
Today, when I take the practice exam... 60%.

It's going to get a little nasty.


SOOOO FRUSTRATED!!!

But i guess it's better now than at 10pm tonight.

Cram time!

Crunchtime... 17 days later.

So.. a post that wasn't eons ago.

This is a success.

Quick Update: 2 days left until my big exams.
I journeyed down the normal pathway of intensity in the beginning (week 1),
then recooping from my extensive studying and intensity (week 2),
followed by the realization that this actually will happen and I will have lost out on the following, if I didn't get my a$$ in gear:
- income (5 weeks)
- life (bc I'll have to keep studying)
- exercise
- the ability to look myself in the mirror*

* this one being the most important.

So here we are, Halloween is quick approaching and I've eaten 1/2 stick of cookie dough in TODAY alone and I've scored well on my practice tests. It's scarring me how well I am doing and at the other point, I don't feel as if I am ready.
I guess forcing myself to take practice tests and review flash card is the only way I will survive.

I am continuing to minimize outside influence which is good, because the less junk in my head means the better I will be able to cram this other knowledge in it.

On a random tangent that will make more sense once I am done...
Not working is causing me to LOSE my mind.
I like working due to the order/structure and implied notion that I will be on top of my $#!%.
So far I have numerous examples of my inability to maintain one coherent thought as well as be on top of the things I need to be.

Anyways, I am going to do some more flash cards to remember some more things. :)

day three... 1 year 143 days later. :/

So.. I am beginning to see a pattern emerge with the time lapse in between each post.

But, life is too short or too busy to fit in a well versed thought out post ever day or few months. No regrets. Now I have a little time.

Update on the boy:
Funny story really.
All those inhibitions and fears segued into the most awesome relationship I've ever been in.

Update on my journey as a professional:
Inability to close the deal and/or finish what I started.

Been working my buns off since I came back from a study sabbatical in Jan 2011.
With that, I came back having a score of 2-2 in the pass-fail ratio of my certification.

Add a dash of new experiencing as a supervisor on two projects and a team member on a failing project, cause little time for study or fun really.

Then a contingent promotion on the fact of passing the additional 2 parts.
Promotion that I worked my buns off to get, and then a miracle!

I passed one of the two, with only one part remaining.
If I passed, promoted, life continued as planned, just a small hiccup on my goals and determination. I dare not think about what would happen if I failed.

In early July, I took the test after a week solid of preparing... then summer emerged. An amazing feeling of relief to be free of studying, only work (of which could take 10-14 hours of my day)remained. I began to fill my weekends with trips or work and I felt alive again.

Then in late August, it began to dawn on me that it might not happen, this is of course after my peers had begun to celebrate and relish in their new found promotion.
So... I began the inevitable plans of a new path forging out of my despair.
I asked around and eventually engaged a career counselor to help me navigate myself to my true career.

In my despair, I had planned a variety of trips to fill my September as I waited for results of the exams.
Then after a vacation and before a visit from my cousin, my heart broke.

Results had come in and I had not made the grade.
I rallied up and pushed all negative and disparaging thoughts aside, I had a lot of work to finish prior to my cousin's visit and a variety of festivities that I had planned.

My cousin's visit came and passed and I truly enjoyed myself, then misery came back again. After a day or so of brooding, the time came to face the facts.

I did not do what I needed to pass and luck, a crucial ingredient, was not on my side.

The hardest part is that I couldn't leave my current job with my head held high.
I missed promotion, disappointed my friends, supporters and family and most of all, I disappointed myself. I tried every excuse or reason to blame for why it happened.

At the end of the day, I could blame no one but myself.
Things I did realize:
- That I need pure work like dedication
- Variety of study materials
- Rewards
- Take the pressure off of myself and just put in the time, make a solid plan and do what I need to do.
- Minimal social interaction.

After a week or so of more brooding, thinking I'd be fired and managing 2 jobs at work, I talked to my support system (mom, bf, roomies, anyone really that would listen) and I decided the following:
1. I want to keep working here for a variety of reasons (community, closure, other c-words etc).
2. put off career moves until I've finished the job
3. try to take a break from work to focus full time.

One week later, here I am. Studying full time.

My exam is in 19 days and I've cleared my calendar until I take it.

Now that I am on my own and my own worst enemy, I've decided to break down my plans on here, it might get boring....

But I am ok with it.